Birthing Pool #1 This is what you wanted
An Ode to Mother was born almost five years ago, shortly after giving birth to my first child. My idea was to create an online shop dedicated to mothers, selling some of my personal favourite "motherhood" items back then. In fact, the blog was intended to be something secondary. Nevertheless, as I began to fill the site with content, I realized how much pleasure I had with the interviews and sharing the artistic essays. As a result, there was never an online shop. Two years ago I decided to create a piece of merchandise, so that people could support the project if they wished. By the way, there are still a few bandanas left, if you are interested.
After almost five years running this project, I feel a need to share part of my own experience. The concept is a sort of intimate column that I would like to publish ideally every month. But as a mother of 3, let's see if that is possible. This first article is about the birth of my daughter, back in September. This is without doubts the highlight of my year, a very complex, but remarkable year.
Last September our daughter LL was born at home, surrounded by her brothers, her father and the two midwives we had chosen for the great adventure. That day I woke up with light contractions, totally irregular and not painful. I had had them for weeks and wasn't really thinking that I would give birth that very same day. We had to drive to Barcelona to renew our son's ID and so we did. I remember driving with contractions, waiting at the police station with contractions and eating at my parents with contractions. "You don't look that good", my mother told me when I arrived, to which I just answered that I felt like getting a cold... During the lunch the pain of the contractions increased and I remember a need to hold my partner's hand under the table while the contractions were lasting. I realized they were getting kind of regular, so we left as fast as we could. My mother totally read the situation and directly asked "Are you in labor?". I couldn't answer, because I wasn't sure. We drove for one hour back home with regular contractions, every 8 minutes. As soon as we made it here, I called my midwife, Marta García, and let her know. She replied that we should call back in 30 to 40 minutes. However, suddenly the contractions were every 4 minutes and getting only more and more intense. Don't ask why, but a part of me still didn't feel sure that our baby was about to be born. We called her back after 20 minutes and ask her to come asap. From here on, I don't exactly remember everything exactly, this is what I recall...
I got into our bathtub. My little son brought me something to drink and was massaging me with warm water. The hot water helped so much. While I was waiting for Marta a part of me was still afraid that this was not it (why and how could I doubt it so much?), but at the same time it felt very intense, so I decided to check her head. My cervix was dilated and she was coming, I could totally feel her head. Marta arrived with Ingrid and they began to fill up the birthing pool in the living room. I remember hearing the kids laughing around, but I could absolutely not concentrate on that. It was like a laugh somewhere far far away from me, like in a dream. Marta came to help me move from the bathtub to the birthing pool, where I had space for my legs, finally. They were still filling it up with the kids around. I remember the pain, a moment of self-doubt, Marta was there letting me know that I could do it. Marcus was right in front of me, telling me the same through his gaze, offering me a towel to grab with my hands and to even bite with my teeth out of pain, if necessary. He was staring into my eyes every second of each wave, I will never forget that look. His eyes gave me strength and love. (Have you ever felt that through someone else's eyes in a moment of pure surrender? I felt totally connected to him in a very unique way). I began to scream with every contraction. The kids changed their mood to a more calm one and stayed right there close to me, surprised. My oldest left for a few seconds outside, but came quickly back and stood next to his brother and family, watching. At this point something happened. I remember a sentence said by the midwife during the birth of my second son. In pure pain, desperate asking for help, she answered "This is what you wanted". Back then, during that second birth, it didn't feel like a helpful mantra. But somehow, at that very moment in that now, her sentence appeared like a whisper in my mind. I remember telling to myself this time: "Yes, this is what I wanted". I realized. Yes, I wanted a home birth. Yes, with my kids and my partner present. Yes, with Marta as a midwife. Yes, in a birthing pool. And yes, a fast as possible birth. It was all happening as I had been manifested. It was so real, that it felt scary. I was scared that something could go wrong, but at the same time I was sure it was going to happen as I had wish. There was a thought about deserving that kind of experience, of letting me deserve it and enjoy it. I said yes to everything and tried to focus on that. I let the pain be, without fighting it. I surrendered for good.
Marta recommended me to touch her head and connect with baby LL, to check if she was any near... and she was. While Ingrid was massaging my back with pure hot water, I remember what my gynecologist had told me last: "Place your lower back backwards to make space for the baby". And so I did. The pressure was huge. I thought I was going to break, literally. Shortly after that, her head came out and I remember what felt as the longest pause between contractions ever. With the next one she was out, into the water, Marta helped me out to grab her and place her into my arms and breast. She began to cry. I was so shocked about what had just happened, I am still. Everything happened so quick, so intense, so wild, and yet so calm thanks to the water. Marta picked up the amniotic sack in one piece from the water, it was magical to see it like that. The delivery of the placenta happened in a few minutes. I didn't need any stitches. I was at home, as I had wished. The kids had witnessed the process and could understand how LL had been born and was finally between us. I feel so thankful to life for this impressive experience. Grateful to all the feminine force that I had felt around during the pregnancy. Thankful for Marta and Ingrid, the best guardians in such sacred moment. Their care, their love and their presence.
Yes to home births. Yes to water births. I wish in Catalonia and Spain home births were normalized and covered by the social security, as well as in many EU countries. Yes to the incredible work of midwives, guardians of these unique moments full of pure life. You bring light to this dark dark world.
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Birthing Pool is written by Silvia Conde Oliván, creator of the blog An Ode to Mother.